I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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