did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
