im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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