I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is Oprah even human
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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