my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
false alarm, still single
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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