I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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