Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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