Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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