I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
