No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
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