Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
