I think i peed on brittanys purse
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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