chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
