I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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