all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
