My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Randomize
