The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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