I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
