good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Who died my cat blue again?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
