i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just want to make out with him forever
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
