Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
