You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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