Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
