i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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