he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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