A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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