So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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