Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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