I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
