Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You need Xanax blowdarts
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
