he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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