from now on my penis is your penis
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
