also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm too high and old for this...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
