No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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