My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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