Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
