You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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