I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just gift wrapped bread.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
