I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
