The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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