The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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