I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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