Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
