I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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