oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
