She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
