I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
