I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
this boner is exhausting
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
