I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
