we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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