Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
