I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
