My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
