im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
