u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
