i wish my penis had a tongue
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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