Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
