So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
