Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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