The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
