So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
